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‘Broken Arrow Saloon’ Category

  1. How do you put your best foot forward when it is broken?

    August 4, 2011 by admin

    The Broken Arrow Saloon would be a weekly column at InboxCupid.com if the barkeep were being paid boatloads of money for his brilliance. He’s not, so it’s not. Monkey boy still pours for tips.

    When is the right time to dip your toe in the dating pool?

    We all want to look and feel our best when we make our first impression, and most of us are humble enough to know we’re not perfect. (I’d like to think we’re all that humble, perhaps I’m kidding myself.)

    My friend Mike is facing a dilemma right now. He has been an eHarmony member for a while, but recently he has had a new challenge in life. He has had health problems this year, and although he is working and going about his day-to-day life, the recovery and side effects of his medication have taken their toll.

    The problem is that he has been corresponding with Erin, and the two have a good rapport going. Erin, however, is questioning if Mike is being honest about himself because he has been hesitant to meet her. What she doesn’t know is that his medication has taken a physical toll on him, and if he does meet her right now, he certainly won’t be putting his best foot forward. (No, he didn’t break his foot.)

    So, does he tell her about his health problems, his road to recovery and the side effects of his medication, medication he won’t have to take for the rest of his life? Does he meet her, even though he doesn’t look and feel his best? (I saw him this week for the first time in about six weeks, and I could see the difference immediately.) Does he ask for her patience in meeting for the first time, given his situation? All good questions.

    To Mike’s credit he wants to maintain a sense of normalcy in his life. If he meets Erin, after explaining his situation, he’ll find out if she is really somebody special, somebody willing to overlook his temporary health setbacks.

    I can’t blame Mike for wanting to go about business as usual, but the cliché is true, you get one chance to make a first impression.

    I think it would be tough to meet a woman who told me up front that she doesn’t look or feel her best, yet is in the process of recovery. It doesn’t have to be a major obstacle to cultivating a new relationship, but that’s easily said.

    If I were Mike, I’d ask Erin for patience and not begrudge her if she keeps scouring eHarmony for Mr. Right. If I were Erin, I’d be understanding of Mike’s situation, wish him the best, keep in touch and let the chips fall where they may. But that’s me.

    Only they can decide what makes sense for them. I hope this helps them make the right decision.

    What would you do? Send your thoughts to saloon@inboxcupid.com.

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  2. Remember when we were all in a hurry for a first date?

    July 20, 2011 by admin

    The Broken Arrow Saloon is supposed to be a weekly column at InboxCupid.com, chronicling successes, failures, near misses and anything remotely related to the world of dating. But let’s be honest, content this brilliant doesn’t come easily, or weekly.

    Life is one big fad.

    Big hair, flannel shirts, “baby on board” car signs, hotornot.com – we love a fad.

    Online dating is not a fad, however, it is here to stay. Perhaps the ways and means will change, but the Internet has changed the way we go about our business, and not temporarily.

    If you grew up collecting comic books, as I did, and still regret that you could never find that rare Spider-Man comic book for your collection, all you have to do is search eBay. If you have the cash, somebody will have the book. Life is just that simple. If only it were as easy to find the love of your life. (If you have the cash, there’s a Russian bride waiting for you, guys.)

    In the old days I had to go to the comic book shop in downtown Minneapolis if I wanted to score that elusive Spider-Man comic book. If I were lucky I’d make it to a comic book show and have access to the inventory of dozens of comic book dealers who didn’t have a storefront, or a girlfriend. Comic book heaven, that’s what that was.

    In the old days you had to go to a bar, private party, church social group or creepy singles dance to meet the love of your life. (I met a woman who went to a contrived singles mixer circa 2001; she was genuinely creeped out by the experience.) If you were lucky you met the love of your live at a friend’s wedding. Damn lucky, that’s what that was.

    Just as the world of comic book collecting changed radically with the advent of the Internet, so did the world of dating. You didn’t have to interact with people in a social setting in order to make a first impression. Instead of going out to a social event and meeting somebody new, you could shop for a new boyfriend or girlfriend online, much like you’d shop for a new car. I’m not saying that’s wrong, but I never thought it was the best way to meet somebody. It seems as if I’m in the minority when it comes to that opinion.

    There are new methods for our madness, but in the end the process is quite similar. Instead of going to a car dealership to see what’s on the lot, you peruse the local Ford dealership’s website to see if they have a dark blue Escort. In the end you still end up kicking the tires and taking the vehicle for a test drive before putting $1,000 down.

    Instead of going to a bar to see who might be single, you peruse the online ads to see who might be an eligible, blue-eyed escort to take to your friend’s upcoming wedding. In the end you still end up kicking back with a beer at a local watering hole and testing your future date’s physical and emotional compatibility with your own. With any kind of luck you’ll spend far less than $1,000 to meet somebody who is worth your time and feels the same way about you.

    Online dating is not a fad, but the websites and methods of meeting people online will continue to evolve, and that’s a good thing. One dating fad that no longer is en vogue, however, is speed dating, and that’s a shame.

    I may be skeptical and old-fashioned, not to mention cynical and tired, but I went to a speed dating event several years ago. Speed dating had already reached its plateau, but there were plenty of seven-minutes dates to be had at bars throughout Minneapolis. Like all good fads, speed dating was quickly imitated and duplicated. I don’t know who came up with the idea, or where it started, but once the idea hit Minneapolis, numerous companies, local and national, saturated the market with events. I attended one such event, paying for my buddy to join me so I wouldn’t have to go it alone. (I was far from the only person who was unwilling to go it alone, I learned.)

    I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the event I had chosen drew a few more women than men. As the women moved from chair to chair, a few of them had to sit out each round.

    There are drawbacks to speed dating, as some events give you five minutes to spend with each potential mate, others give you eight. In some cases five minutes is more than enough time to know the person across the table isn’t for you, but other times eight minutes doesn’t give you as much time as you’d like to scratch all the surfaces you’re dying to itch.

    I liked the speed dating format because you couldn’t hide behind an old photo or words on a computer screen. Sure, you could still lie about your occupation, hobbies, age or marital status, but your first impression, for better or for worse, was a truer representation of who you are.

    Speed dating seemed like a better way to meet somebody than fishing through dozens of online personals. Yet somehow what seemed like a good idea to so many five or seven years ago has become a passing fancy. My my my my my.

    Speed dating, did you love it or hate it? Should the Broken Arrow Saloon host a speed dating event? Cast your vote via saloon@inboxcupid.com.

    photo by The Library Of Congress

     

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  3. Playing by my rules should be the law

    June 24, 2011 by admin

    The Broken Arrow Saloon is a semi-weekly blog at InboxCupid.com, chronicling successes, failures, near misses and the ridiculous in the world of dating. And let’s be honest, dating is ridiculous.

    There should be rules when it comes to online dating.

    Not unwritten rules. Legitimate rules that are like traffic laws.

    If you get busted then you get fined, or lose your license. Lie about your age? That’s a fine. Lie about your marital status? License revoked.

    Now to be slightly realistic: There should be universal rules that govern the first encounter between two people who find each other through the miracle of online communication and outdated jpeg photos.

    We’ll assume that if you’re trolling online and get a bite, you’ll go through the motions of exchanging messages a few times before graduating to the phone call. If neither party is discouraged by the telephone conversation then it’s probably time to have the awkward first encounter in a public place. Call it a date if you want, I don’t care. But the first encounter should be more like a job interview than a date. First dates are for a night at the comedy club, a stroll through the zoo, a haunted hay ride or touring a local brewery. Some of those ideas are better than others, but they’re all first dates.

    When your first meeting is a result of online personals, stick to the job interview. If you play by these rules, you’ll never find yourself flying solo when you return from the restroom. (That happened to one of my buddies during an online dating encounter.)

    1. Pick a good place to meet. Meeting at a public place is obvious, but make surethe time/place of your meeting is when the bar or coffee shop isn’t ridiculously busy. If it’s hard to get a table or hear each other, you’re wasting your time.

    2. Show up on time. If you have to hang out in your car for 10 minutes because you’re early, so be it. (You have a cell phone, pretend you’re finishing an important conversation if you need an excuse to sit in your car. I have faked a phone call many times in my life. You should hear the conversations I have during those fake phone calls. Don’t make the other person sit there wondering if you’re going to show up. If you want to be proactive, get there early and make sure your future spouse knows how to find you immediately upon canvassing the room. First impressions are important, don’t ruin yours by being late.

    3. Be honest. It should go without saying, but I’ve heard more than a few stories about people being unpleasantly surprised by little white lies, not so little white lies and big fat lies they’ve discovered upon meeting somebody for the first time. Don’t paint a picture – or send a 5-year-old jpeg – of what you used to look like. Don’t expect that your occasional smoking is not a deal breaker for an adamant nonsmoker. Be honest before you meet. If you lied about your age by a year or two in your personal ad, so be it, but be honest before you meet. (That little, harmless lie
    might already be a deal breaker, but perpetuating it won’t reverse the effect.)

    4. Leave the baggage behind. Everybody bears the scars of hard lessons they learned from previous relationships. But don’t talk about past boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses when talking about who you are. It may be necessary to reference an ex when telling a story, but keep the focus on you, not who you used to date.

    5. Set a limit and stick to it. When you agree to meet, set a time limit for the interview, be it 60, 90 or 120 minutes. If either or both of you are disappointed, you only have to make nice for a finite period of time. Even when you think you have hit it off, stick to the agenda. You don’t know if the other person is being polite by not putting an end to your seemingly pleasant exchange. If he/she likes what he/she sees, you’ll see her/him again soon enough.

    It’s not a felony if you choose to play by your own rules, but it should be.

    Although without scoff laws, what would Jerry Springer do?

    Did you have a lousy online dating job interview? Pour your heart out at the Broken Arrow Saloon. We’ll gladly pour you another drink! E-mail me at saloon@inboxcupid.com.

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  4. 10 Types of Guys Using Online Dating

    May 23, 2011 by admin

    The Broken Arrow Saloon is a weekly blog at InboxCupid.com, chronicling successes, failures, near misses and the inexplicable in the world of dating. And there’s never a cover charge.

    I’ve read more personal ads than I care to admit, but confession is good for the soul, so here it goes.

    Once upon a time personal ads were limited to the printed page. Back in the late 1990s I read plenty of free 35-word ads in City Pages, a Minneapolis alternative newspaper. (The alternative media, Jerry. That’s where you hear the truth.) I even placed one of those ads, and thought I hit the jackpot when I met Mary. She didn’t feel the same way, evidently.

    Since the demise of newspaper personal ads I have viewed hundreds of online ads on both free dating sites and members-only sites, such as match.com. Many paid sites will let you register and browse for free, and that’s all you need to do to find out which of the office MILFs is trolling online for Mr. Perfect. If you work in a large office setting, I recommend playing that game, I can just about guarantee you’ll find Betty in accounting or Chuck in IT.

    Most of the ads I’ve read are from women seeking men, but I have read more than a few ads by men seeking women. Call it market research, scouting the competition or a self-esteem boost, it doesn’t matter to me. All I know is that there are 10 types of men who respond to personal ads. Or am I wrong?

    These aren’t mutually exclusive. Here’s what I have come up with:

    1. The young and fun guy. He’s typically in his 20s, perhaps a college graduate and lines up with about 1,000 other guys in his demographic for a $5 beer at an overcrowded, overhyped party bar on the weekend. He knows a ton of people, is connected to thousands more via social networks and could get a date any time he wanted. What he typically doesn’t admit to himself is that those potential dates usually aren’t old enough to hang at the bar with him. If confronted with the fact he has an online ad he’ll blow it off as if it was a lark after a night of mas Coronas.

    image source: http://listsoplenty.com/blog

    2. The socially conscious guy. He doesn’t believe in the trendy trappings that entice the young and fun guy, he has reached a higher state of consciousness. He might be in his 20s, but there are plenty of guys in their 30s who buy vintage button downs at the secondhand store, too. He’s looking to meet his soul mate at a coffee shop, environmental rally or indie rock concert, but he’s open to meeting a like-minded, quasi-political woman online.

    3. The outdoorsman. He’s a laborer during the week, hunter and angler on the weekend. He’s a good guy to know if you need new brake pads for your Pontiac or a ceiling fan installed. He may be a rugged outdoorsman, but unlike his ancestors, he has adapted to modern times. He has a depth finder and underwater camera for the boat, as well as a GPS receiver in his Smartphone. That Smartphone also enables him to dabble in online dating. He is looking for an all-American woman. These guys tend to be in their 30s or older, as it takes several years of employment to afford the truck, boat and snowmobile.

    4. The road warrior. He’s not an outlaw biker, but he plays one on the streets and highways of your city. Whether it’s a crotch rocket for cruising around the metropolitan area or a Harley for weekends spent cruising the highways and byways of America, he lives to ride, and rides to live. He likes selling his bad boy persona, even though he is likely confined by the same socio-economic trappings as everyone else. Hence he finds his way to an online dating site. A younger warrior likely favors a crotch rocket, an older warrior usually rides a Harley since they’re typically easier on his back.

    5. The successful guy. This guy defies logic, as he is successful in most everything he does. He has a great job, drives a nice car and is well connected to a network of equally successful working professionals. There’s no challenge this guy can’t conquer, yet somehow true love has eluded him. He’d probably tell you that because he has been so busy succeeding in every aspect of his life he just hasn’t had the time to meet the right person. He may be right, but more than likely it’s no accident that he is single. If he’s not looking for his female counterpart then he’s looking for a trophy wife who will put him on a pedestal. Occasionally this role is played by a guy in his late 20s, but this is more often the domain of guys in their 30s and 40s.

    6. The hopeless romantic. This guy has so much to give, and will pour his heart out in a personal ad, or response to yours. He may very well be a nice guy with plenty to offer, but he lacks a certain something, perhaps through no fault of his own. He is likely looking for a woman in a similar situation to his. These guys tend to be in their 30s or older and are using online ads out of a sense of desperation. They don’t want life to pass them by.

    7. The doting father. These guys are in their 20s or 30s. They are relationship veterans, typically, and won’t let their parenting responsibilities interfere with their personal life. They don’t neglect their children, but they don’t have custody of them, so they tend to think of themselves as single guys with no strings attached when they set out to begin a new life. They’re the male version of born-again virgins and not that interested in dating women with children.

    8. The second lifer. The second lifer may also be the successful guy, hopeless romantic or road warrior. What sets them apart from their contemporaries is that they’ve already experienced the circle of life. They have adult children and are looking to start anew. Some set theirs sites on a younger woman, others are interested in women their age, so long as they’re camera ready for a future installment of Real Housewives of New Jersey. If a second lifer is 48 years old, he won’t date a 48-year-old woman if she looks 48. If he’s looking for love online, appearance is highly important to him.

     

    9. The retiree. Increasingly people in their 60s and 70s are turning to online personals to find that second or third spouse, ideally the last one they’ll ever need. They’re often online because they want access to pictures of their grandchildren on Facebook, but once they learn their way around the Internet they learn there’s online love available to them, too. A retiree is not likely to kid himself, he’s not going to try to sell himself to women half his age. If he could afford to be a sugar daddy, he wouldn’t be wasting his time online.

     

    10. The dirtbag. The dirtbag may disguise himself as the young and fun guy, successful guy or the hopeless romantic. What sets him apart from all the rest is that he’s only looking to get in a woman’s pants. The term player is sometimes used to describe a dirtbag, yet by definition a player isn’t a dirtbag, so long as he is playing with other players. When a player misleads a woman who is looking for a relationship, he ascends to the dirtbag throne. The epitome of the dirtbag is the guy who is married or has a girlfriend but doesn’t let the technicality that is a wife or girlfriend interfere in his extra-curricular activities. Unlike players, a cheater who seeks out his female counterpart isn’t exempt from the dirtbag crown.

    So, who did I miss?

    Guys, what types of women have you found through online ads? Women, did I miss a category of men who respond to your ads? E-mail me at saloon@inboxcupid.com. Bonus points for responses that include an online ad horror story.

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  5. It was a small world after all.

    May 10, 2011 by admin

    The Broken Arrow Saloon is a new blog at InboxCupid.com, chronicling successes, failures, near misses and the inexplicable pertaining to dating, love, relationships and really bad decisions.

    When she told me she might be pregnant, I knew I had made a big mistake.

    Angela called me one evening a few weeks after she decided Andrew really wasn’t her boyfriend. I was still a bit shell shocked by the idea that she was dating my buddy, and now all of a sudden she’s suggesting to me, a guy she barely knows, that she might be pregnant with my buddy’s child. She had to know I would call Andrew, right? (I didn’t.)

    For the life of me I can’t figure out why Angela would suggest to Andrew’s friend that she might be pregnant by him. It defies logic, but most good stories defy logic in some way, shape or form.

    So why was Angela telling this to me? Let’s back up a bit and remember what life was like in the early days of online dating.
    Before eHarmony was a household name there weren’t a billion online dating sites to choose from. If you wanted to scour the Internet for Catholic, Jewish or atheist singles, you didn’t have a specific online destination.

    Craig’s List perfected the art of free online classified ads for everything from casual encounters to long-term relationships. But Craig’s List certainly wasn’t the first site helping you find your soul mate via the Internet, sans a monthly membership fee. In the early days of the Internet AOL was king, and it provided plenty of local news, information and services through its Digital City brand. That local service included free online personal ads.

    In the spring of 2000 I dabbled with Digital City’s free online ads. Already a skeptic of the personal ad culture, I voyeuristically read the ads from single women in the Twin Cities. I was intrigued by a woman named Susie, and responded to her ad. We chatted by email for a while, yet for reasons I don’t recall, our correspondence ended. She candidly told me about her experiences with the ad she placed, and I eagerly absorbed it. (The one thing I remember specifically, 11 years later, was her description of the outfit she wore on a date. She called it a black FM dress.)

    I never met Susie. She was a few years older than me, and a lawyer. She seemed out of my league. I was a 29-year-old working professional, but I wasn’t much more than an older version of a 23-year-old college graduate. I hadn’t matured much during my 20s, even though I’d already suffered heartbreak I never fathomed possible during my college years. (I can’t explain that heartbreak, either, but it was ridiculously stupid in retrospect.)

    Back in 2000 we didn’t have cougars. Sure, “American Pie” gave us MILFs, but the cougar lifestyle hadn’t been glorified at that point. Even though I sensed Susie was intrigued by me, I never seriously considered meeting her. (I just tried emailing her via her old AOL address, which I remember to this day. Surprise! She no longer uses it.)

    Instead I met Angela. I responded to Angela’s ad. She replied.

    We ended up chatting by phone, and I quickly learned that she had started dating Andrew. She never mentioned him by name, but she made it clear that she had started dating a guy she met through her ad. We had a second phone conversation about a week later and she started referring to Andrew as her boyfriend. At this point I wasn’t interested in chatting with her on a regular basis if she thought she was in a committed relationship, so I wished her well and told her to give me a call if things didn’t work out with her new boyfriend.

    She called me about a week later. She was having doubts about her boyfriend. He was busy and giving her excuses as to why he couldn’t see her on a regular basis. There was something during the conversation that triggered my spider-sense. I asked a few questions and learned that her boyfriend was a guy named Andrew, living in St. Paul.

    My buddy Andrew, the guy I played darts with most Thursday nights, also lived in St. Paul. Andrew and I didn’t know each other that well, we’d met through mutual friends a couple of years prior, but I knew him to be a serial dater who was quick to use the Internet to meet women. And I hated him for it. He’s a good-looking, charismatic guy who did just fine without online personal ads, but as they say, the rich get richer.
    I was rather certain Angela was dating my friend. She noted that she had his picture as the wallpaper of her computer. This was 2000, before everyone and their sister had a digital camera. Jpegs weren’t passed around like pitchers of beer at a frat party in those days.

    Despite the fact it was unwise for a woman to invite a guy she had never met to her apartment building, she invited me to her new apartment so I could see the picture of Andrew. Sure enough, she was dating my friend. I didn’t know what to tell her. She thought she had a boyfriend after a couple of dates, and I highly doubted it.

    I drove home that night wondering how I wound up connecting with a woman who was dating my friend. I took it as a sign that I wasn’t meant for the world of online personal ads. She was the first person I had met through an online ad and what did I get for my effort? One hell of an awkward situation.

    Angela invited me to have lunch with her a few weeks later. She decided Andrew wasn’t boyfriend material after all and must have decided I was worth pursuing. Against my better judgment I had lunch with her, but the weirdness of our situation was something I couldn’t overcome. (I did see her one more time, and that triggered an unexpected encounter with a co-worker. Perhaps I’ll share that tale another day.)

    I don’t remember where I had left things with Angela when she called me to tell me she might be pregnant, but that was the point where things went from ridiculous to sublime. And no, I don’t think she was ever pregnant with Andrew’s child.

    That was my first experience with online dating, way back in 2000. If that wasn’t enough to scare me away then I’m an idiot.

    Here I am, 11 years later, writing about relationships, dating and painful memories from my past. I have dabbled with online personal ads over the years, but never seriously. I have had my share of relationships, but once again I am single. I’m 40, tired and more fascinated by people than ever. I plan to share stories and insight from my life, but I also want to share the observations and experiences of my readers. My life is mildly interesting, but yours is probably far more colorful than mine, and I hope to learn about it as I write this periodic column.

    And please tell me I’m not the only one to have met an Angela.

    Want to share your thoughts and opinions about Angela, Andrew or my extreme misfortune? Need to vent your frustrations about the single men or women in your city? Want to buy me a drink? E-mail me at saloon@inboxcupid.com. Hey, this ain’t no advice column. I really am as dumb as I look.

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